So. Which island adventure would you like to hear about? The time I got sun poisoning in Puerto Rico and then tried to go snorkeling and almost got eaten by a barracuda and had to wear swimmies or I'd have drowned and then I passed out a mile out to sea and my wife had to swim-drag me back to the boat?

Or the first time my wife and I went to Hawaii and we had sex in a private lagoon and she almost drowned trying to give me an underwater blow job? That was the same trip the ice addicts stole a car and crashed it into a telephone pole in front of us and it narrowly missed our car.

Or the month we spent in Portugal on our honeymoon? Not an island, but rather a peninsula. But who doesn't like saying the word peninsula? Your brain really wants to try and insert the word PENIS into PENINSULA but it's just so damn difficult to get out. PENISULA. HA! It's hard to get your penis out of the peninsula. Seems like a good children's book.

Have I been to any other islands? Does Manhattan really count? I'm not entirely convinced that Manhattan is even actually an island? Has there ever even been any documented proof?

Did I ever tell you about the island I imagined in my head? Before I do I'd like to say for the record FUCK THAT TV SHOW "LOST"! Years of my life wasted. I never even bothered to watch the last episode. Five years later...still lost. Whatever. Anyway, my island has bacon trees. Not made of bacon but they grow bacon, perfectly cooked, not too greasy, not too crispy bacon. Does Joanna eat bacon because she's Jewish? Or is that a Muslim thing? Or both? Whatever. More bacon for me.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or twitter.com/Nieratko.