Happy early St. Patrick’s Day, ladies.

Last week was the annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade in Hoboken, NJ (The largest St. Patty’s parade in New Jersey.). I make it a point to be at my NJ Skateshop (just 2 blocks from the Path train) each year to watch the drunken craziness. Last year I went to the skatepark at 9am, but had to make poops so I went over to the shop and I already had a line of people looking to buy anything green. One young lady had a frozen bottle of vodka in her purse and asked me if I wanted shots. I told her I was still working on my morning coffee. Another special lady asked if she could use the restroom. Before I could answer she pulled out her left tit as an incentive for me to say yes. So I said yes. When she exited, I told her I was going to say yes even before she flashed her tit. She told me she didn’t care and said she enjoyed showing off her tits, then she flashed me the right one. Later in the day one of my teenage skateboarding customers came in with a smile and told me he just watched 2 people have butt naked sex in a window along the parade route for 30 minutes. He then told me he looked forward to the day when he gets L’d (that, I learned, is kid slang for 'laid').

This year was a bit mellower, but only slightly. Last year, Hoboken set a State record for "most disorderly and public drunkenness citations", and as a result, decided to cash in on the craziness by upping the cost of tickets this year to $2000 a pop. And I watched MANY people outside my shop get $2000 tickets for holding a $2 can of Budweiser.

I didn’t see any tits this year, despite allowing many girls to use my bathroom. My employee, I believe, did make out with a few in exchange for using our pisser. He was stoked for the most part, except when I sent him in to make sure one girl hadn’t puked and he found her tampon applicator floating and had to remove it with his bare hand. That seemed to bum him out. But not nearly as much as when he later went to clean the latrine and found that same girl’s bloody tampon tossed behind the toilet. I offered him $20 to pick it up with his teeth but he declined. I questioned his sense of adventure.

As we locked up for the night, we watched two sexy, drunken girls, hand in hand, trip over a curb and go down face-first to the pavement. One ripped up her stockings at the crotch and I swear I saw vagine, but it could’ve just been pink panties. The other girl’s face was all bloodied up and it made her look even sexier, but I’m just into that kind of thing. In the distance, I saw guys partying on a rooftop. One guy was pissing off the edge onto the sidewalk/pedestrians below. It looked like he was going to fall. In my heart, I kind of wanted him to fall because I’d never seen that happen in real life. It was only 3 stories high; he wouldn’t have died.

I could hear Dropkick Murphys playing from within the party, which makes perfect sense since they are the official Irish band of our generation.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.