Lately I’ve been verbally writing my son these notes when I talk to him...like, "Dear Baby, Stop Crying. Love, Dad," and "Dear Baby, why did you pee your pants again after I just changed you? Signed, The Management." I think it keeps the lines of communication open between us and it also teaches him how to draft a letter using a salutation and a complementary close.

I would like to verbally write a series of letters to Ritzy, the cute blonde singer/guitar player in this Welsh-trio, The Joy Formidable. The first one would go like this, "Dear Ritzy, Touch my wiener. Your pal, Chris." If that one failed (and we all know that it would), I’d write, "Dear Ritzy, Sorry for the last letter. My dog accidentally hit send. Please get naked for Burning Angel. Sincerely, Dad (someone else’s, not yours)". If I didn’t get any response, I might write her and say, "Dear Ignorer, Please tell your country I said thanks for the grape juice. Sincerely, A Fan (of grape juice)”. I think the last one would certainly get me a response because if people are nothing else, they are always patriotic (except the Germans). I think Ritzy would be honored that I took notice of her country’s greatest export and feel that I appreciated her as a person and not just for her looks (which isn’t true at all, but I want her to think it is).

AND THAT’S WHEN I’LL WRITE MY MOST MANIPULATIVE LETTER:
"Dear grape juice country lady, I have grape juice stuck in my pee hole. I need you to suck it out. Signed, The guy who is going to sue your country if you don’t help me." Then I’ll just wait by the front door for Ritzy to come knocking.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com.