So I got selected for jury duty for the first time in my life. Federal jury duty, no less. In scenic Newark, NJ. I tried every way possible for weeks to get out of it without success but they just wanted to see my pretty face suffer. Then the night before I was to appear I got an automated message saying that I was excused. Yippie! I won. Right? No. The next night I get another message that I need to appear. Loser = me. So I drive up there in the rain and waste nine hours of my life. The closest I get to sitting on a case is walking up to a courtroom and waiting as they picked jurors for a fucking Myspace case where some mid-30s idiots far too old to be playing on Myspace got fired for their Myspace pages. I turned to the window and saw the rain still coming down outside. I angled my head to be able to see my reflection and said to myself, “Is this my life? Am I really the Myspace police?”

They never called my name. I wish they had. I had so many awful and evil things to say about race, Myspace, the justice system and pretty much any other topic they’d ask me about to get myself excused.

At lunch I drank an entire pitcher of sangria to the head.

At 5pm, they said everyone needed to return the next day at 8am. People moaned and groaned but agreed. Not me. Fuck that. I went to the lady and explained I would not be returning. My wife is six months pregnant, unemployed and I need to attend to my three skateboard shops. She explained they would be issuing a bench warrant. I told her she knew where I lived. Come get me. She said I should write a letter to the judge and hopefully be excused.

So at this time I don’t know if there’s a warrant out for my arrest or not. I do know that when I told Jojo I was stuck at jury duty and didn’t have last week’s review she yelled at me and said, "We're on a regular update schedule and there has to be a new review every Tuesday on the site.  If you know you're going to be busy or away or on jury duty, you need to get the review to me on Monday."

Thanks for understanding. You’re a real humanitarian. I wish I had this disc loaded on my iPhone at jury duty. It would have passed the time a bit easier. It’s happy and fun synth rock, totally unlike jury duty. And the singer is hot and I could totally have masturbated to an imaginary porn of her in the courthouse men’s room.

For more stupid, visit www.chrisnieratko.com.