Mike from Plain White T's!

[Joanna in the tour bus with "boy in hat" aka Mike Retondo of PLAIN WHITE T's)

Joanna: Ok, so here we are...we're moving, it's kind of like we're on a boat...it's all crazy here [Turns to man sitting next to her] Ok, well anyway, so what's your name?

Mike: Mike.

Joanna: Hi Mike, my name's Joanna Angel. And what do you do in PLAIN WHITE T'S?

Mike: I play bass guitar, I sing backup vocals...

Joanna: That's what you do. How long have you been in the band?

Mike: I've been in the band for about six years now.

Joanna: Is that when the band started?

Mike: Nope. They formed like 11 years ago.

Joanna: Geez – you're like a classic rock band and I didn't even know! Now unfortunately, I feel really bad doing this interview because I usually try to come to band interviews well-prepared, and unfrotunately, I only know that one song – the “Delilah”song. Do you get that a lot?

Mike: Yeah, we do, but we udnerstand.

Joanna: Before that song came out, I bet you didn't have this big bus with the trail mix everywhere...

[Everyone laughs]

Mike: Before that song... -

Joanna: - before that song there was just McDonalds cheeseburgers and...

Mike: Doritos!

Joanna: And Doritos...and now you're living it up! You've got a nice sports coat on. Delilah totally paid for this sports coat -

[Everyone laughs]

Joanna: Well who is Delilah?

Mike: Delilah is a girl from New York City...like the song says...well, she's actually from Chicago, went to school in New York...and our singer met her and was like, “Fuck yeah – this girl is hot” and he would actually tease her that he was going to write a song for her, and then he did...

Joanna: Aw, that's so nice. If somebody wrote a song like that about me, I wouldn't care if they fucked my sister or killed my dog or something...In any case, can you tell me something about your band and your music that is not the Delilah song?

Mike: We do have other songs -

Joanna: Apparently you have a lot of other songs...it's been 11 years -

Mike: We have, like, four other songs...

Joanna: [Laughs] Four other songs?

Mike: Yeah...they're decent.

Joanna: Well, I actually think that it's really embarassing that you're doing this interview and you are not wearing a t-shirt that is plain nor white. You are such a poser of Plain White T's, but it's ok...how many days out of the week do you usually wear plain white t-shirts?

Mike: Me personally,like zero...maybe like once a month.

Joanna: Really? Do you even own any?

Mike: No.

Joanna: So you probably have nothing to do with the name.

Mike: No.

[Lots of people coming into the “interview area” on the bus...grabbing out of a box of porn that Joanna brought for everyone]

Joanna: Who are all these people? What are they doing? Ok, so do you watch porn?

Mike: I watch porn on occasion.

Joanna: So is this rock band show like a tour or is it just one show?

Mike: It's a whole tour...going all over the country.

Joanna: So let me ask you – is Panic At The Disco taking all the chicks on tour?

Mike: Probably. More than we are. We're big losers.

[A man walks by with tons of BurningAngel DVDs in his hands]

Anonymous Man: I'm not ashamed!

Joanna: He took ALL the porno. [Turns to Mike] You're going to have to take all the tranny and gay porn...there's not going to be any porn left for you.

[Someone hands Joanna a penis pump]

Joanna: What's this? Oh, it's a penis vacuum.

Mike: Does it really work? Am I going to fill that whole thing up?

Joanna: I think you are...I thought it was the goal to fill this whole thing up.

Mike: Yeah, I don't know.

Joanna: It's pretty big. But umm, anyway...as you may or may not know, I'm not only a star in porn, but I direct porn myself, so -

Mike: Actually, I went online and checked you out last night, so -

Joanna: Did you really? Did you like it?

Mike: I did like it...now we have a little connection.

Joanna: Now you know my life story, but I don't really know yours.

Joanna: So, I have been directing porn for some time now, and making as much porn as I do, sometimes I run out of ideas. So is there anything that you might want to see that I could possibly make in honor of you? Is there anything that you feel is lacking the porn world? Cause I could make it happen -

Mike: Oh yeah?

Joanna: Yeah...

[Lots of people flood the “interview area” and it gets very very noisy.]

Mike: Should we go in the back?

Joanna: Should we go in the back?

Mike: Yeah.

[Joanna and Mike stand up]

Mike: I'll give you a tour of the bus.

[Joanna and Mike take a tour of the bus, where he shows her their Wii amongst other things...and finally, they sit and resume this interview]

Joanna: Ok, so I don't even remember what we were talking about...Oh yeah – what would you like to see in porno?

Mike: I don't know...I feel like things that can be done, have been done, and I also feel like maybe things that shouldn't have been done, were done also.

Joanna: That's true. I guess I'm into doing some of that ridiculous stuff...I guess I'm old fashioned. So let's start basic...would you want there to be all girls? Or would you want there to be all guys? How about 19 girls and one guy?

Mike: That might be cool.

Joanna: You like that?

Mike: Probably'd be cool. I think it'd be cool to tie into the music thing...like our band is Plain White T's, so you could do like a “Plain Wet Tees” kind of thing -

Joanna: Ohhhh, ok. So we can have all the girls in wet t-shirts...

Mike: And then the shirts come off -

Joanna: Well, if the girls are wearing white tees, and they're soaking wet, I don't even think they have to come off...

Mike: But it would be nice -

Joanna: It would be nice...ok, so you want them to start off wearing white tees, and they're all soaking wet, and then they're gonna take the shirts off. And there's 19 of 'em -

Mike: Well maybe we could be playing a concert, and then the audience could be wearing white, wet tees...

Joanna: Ohhhh! So you want to be involved...

Mike: Well, I mean, we'd have to get actors -

Joanna: Oh, so you want people to play the Plain White T's...

Mike: Well, we'll be there...we'll have cameos.

[Joanna laughs]

Mike: So we're playing a show...and all of our friends are really hot girls, all wearing white t-shirts...and all of a sudden, something goes wrong with the pyro...sprinklers start going off...they're all wet. Then they rush the stage, and then the fun beings.

Joanna: Ahh, ok. Now would Delilah be there?

Mike: Delilah would have to be there.

Joanna: I think that for this porno, all 19 girls should be named Delilah.

[Both laugh]

Joanna: We could make it some weird scenario where every Delilah in the city comes to watch you play.

Mike: There can only be one Delilah.

Joanna: Oh, ok.

Mike: The main girl has to be Delilah.

Joanna: Oh, ok, so can I be Delilah?

Mike: You have to be...

Joanna: Oh, ok, so I'm Delilah [smiles]...so you finger-bang every single girl there, and then maybe at the end, I'll start riding someone and they'll jizz on my face...is that ok?

Mike: Yeah...yeah...finger-banging! I like finger-banging...

[Both laugh]

Joanna: Finger-banging? Yeah – everyone likes a good ole' fashioned finger-bang!

Mike: I like the phrase “finger-banging”.

[Joanna laughs]

Joanna: It sounds really bad ass, right?

Mike: Yeah. It has a certain kid of innocence too, though. Like that's something you go do after prom – go finger-bang your girlfriend or something.

Joanna: Yeah, yeah. Ok, well that's cool – I think I'm going to make that porno happen. Alright, well let me ask you another question. I just watched this show...and maybe I'm a little old or something, but there were people playing Rock Band 2 live, on stage. How did you feel about that? Personally, I thought it was a little lame.

Mike: Well, I really like the game. So personally, if I was a fan at a concert, and I got picked to go up there and play in front of a couple thousand people, that'd be like a cool moment that you'd never forget. You know, I think it's cool.

Joanna: It probably means a lot to the people who get chosen to go onto the stage, but I didn't find it at all entertaining. It was just one song, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Are you guys in Rock Band?

Mike: You can download our song...you have to connect to the Internet, but yeah – you can download the content.

Joanna: You guys need some fast songs for that...do you guys have fast songs?

Mike: Yeah...we're not just a ballad band...we have fast songs.

Joanna: Well, anyway – what else do you guys have going on? What label are you guys on?

Mike: We're on Hollywood Records. It's under the umbrella of Disney. So if you want tickets to Disney...

Joanna: Oh, so what do you think Mickey Mouse would say if he knew you were doingan interview for a pornographic website at the moment?

Mike: [in a GREAT Mickey Mouse voice] Hey Minnie, look at my raging hard-on, ha! What porn!?!

[Joanna laughs...hard...very hard]

Joanna: So you can get free passes to Disney World? Can you make a quick phone call to Mickey Mouse?

Mike: He's actually a cartoon character, so I don't know if he takes personal phone calls -

Joanna: But I met him. I met him when I was, like, 9-years-old and I took a picture with him and shook his hand.

Mike: Do you ever wonder who it is inside those suits?

Joanna: I do – no, it's nobody. It's Mickey Mouse!

Mike: Oh yeah...

[Joanna laughs]

Mike: Do you ever wonder if it's, like, a 60-year-old guy, and gross?

Joanna: I like to think it's just Mickey Mouse, ok?

Mike: You ever done any, like, 65-year-olds? Anything like that?

Joanna: No, I have done a 50-year-old, but that's about it.

Mike: I think that's half the age of Jon McCain...so you're halfway there. [Joanna laughs]

Mike: So, I was telling my friend that I was interviewing with you, and he asked me to ask you if there are fluffers for females, to get them ready?

Joanna: There are no fluffers for anyone, anywhere, anymore. Fluffers do not exist anymore. That is a myth. That is a stupid myth too. It doesn't make sense. Girls use lube sometimes...everybody's day is different...I've had “I need a lot of lube” days, and then I've had “I don't need any lube days” -

Mike: Kinda like real life.

Joanna: Exactly! It all really depends on the weather, and the guy, and what time of month it is.

Mike: Do you want to hear a funny story?

Joanna: I do want to hear a funny story! This got a lot easier – this interview. Once we left everyone, you've really opened up!

Mike: Ok, and this involves porn so it should tie it all in. And this happened last night. We were in Vegas and we played a show, and one of my old friends came out and we're hanging out, and he was a fan of the Plain White T's way back in the day when they had a CD out in Chicago called Come On Over...but, uh, my friend's telling me this story and he's like, online, watching porn, jerking off, and the name of it was something really amateur; something about cumming all over things, and he's playing it and all of a sudden, a Plain White T's song called “Come On Over” started plahing and he was like, “Holy shit!”

Joanna: Oh really?

Mike: Yeah.

Joanna: You should feel honored. You should track those guys down.

Mike: There was another – I was watching a video one time, and it was a more amateur kind, with a guy and his girlfriend, and they had the radio on, and “Hey There Delilah” was playing...

Joanna: Really?! I would love to use “Hey There Delilah” in a porn.

Mike: You gotta pay the big bucks.

Joanna: Yeah, I guess I can't do that. Mickey Mouse will come out and shoot me or something.

[A guy with a walkie talkie comes into the back of the bus and interrupts the interview. Some conversation is made about said man with walkie talkie, and it comes to light that he is the “sound guy”.]

Joanna: Ok, well I think I have run out of things to say to you...even though it's been a lot of fun! Is there anything you want to say to all the people who've taken time out from jerking off on BurningAngel.com to read this interview?

Mike: Well, I don't understand why you're reading this – you should be watching porn. Get it hard again! Let's go!

[Joanna laughs]

Mike: No, but we're Plain White T's...we have a new album in stores called Big Bad World. It has nothing to do with porn, but it might be good to play in the background while you're making love to your significant other -

Joanna: Awww -

Mike: Or fuck buddy or whatever. Friend -

Joanna: - friend!

Mike: ...whatever you got going on... [Bus makes a loud noise]

Joanna: I think the bus is going to explode...

Mike: There's a bomb on this bus...we gotta keep it above 55 to survive -

[Joanna laughs...hard...again]

Joanna: Awww...he's funny! I like him! He's cute! It's a magical moment! [Joanna and Mike hug each other] Ok, so everyone check them out – Plain White T's – they have more than that one song! And thank you.

Mike: Thank you.

Joanna: Alright, we're done! Over-and-out!

Mike: Yeeeeaaaay!