Dear Joanna,

I am a proud member of BA - a single guy, 24-years-old, good-looking, intelligent, etc., and am totally obsessed with hardcore fucking. I want to organize an orgy, but I'm not sure how to do it. For example, how do I get people to join? E-mail? Phone calls? I have some crazy friends, but I don't know anyone who would be willing to break their barriers to the point of participating in group sex. I have tried bringing it up before, in a very casual, calm, and friendly way, but people are still against it. Should I find other people? Any advice?

Orgy Enthusiast,

Michael

Hello there,

Well that is a good question. With all the technology and communication tools available today, it is quite hard to choose which one is appropriate for orgy inviting. Text messaging and email are a little too informal, and a phone call or an in-person invite might be too forward. Hmm. Well, I think you should invite all your horniest friends over and crack open a few good bottles of wine, put on some Al Green, and dim the lights and see what happens. Or if it's like, midnight, and there is still no orgy in site, then slip everyone some ecstacy in their drinks and see what happens.

What does your house look like? Maybe your place is the problem. Like are you trying to have an orgy over a heap of dirty laundry? Or Pizza boxes? Or pots with remnants of Ramen noodles on the bottom? Because that is not orgy material! You also need a really big bed or like a sectional couch that goes around the whole room. I have an awesome orgy couch. In fact, I am sitting on it right now! So yeah. Keep that in mind. You know what they say...Location, location, location!

To Joanna & Her Ass (What a lovely ass it is!),

I am from London, so I apologize if I sound very English! I have just recently discovered that I like spanking...not giving...but receiving a few spanks during foreplay and sex would be nice. I bought a paddle, but the problem is this: I told my boyfriend that I wouldn't mind if we put some of it into our sex life, and he just said he didn't want to hurt me. Yeah, I know he is really sweet, but how would I convince him to do this? What should I say or do?

Sincerely,

Ms. Wanting To Be A Spankee

WHAAAAAAT!! Psssssht. Tell him he's a fucking pussy and have another guy come over and spank you. In fact, Joanna's boyfriend will happily fly over to England, spank the shit out of you til you are all red and then take a picture of your red ass and send it to him. No, wait, in fact, I will get the whole thing on webcam and make him watch it live - like Clockwork Orange-style, with those thingys in his eves. No, ok - wait...I got it: I will have a girl spank you, so then he will know that he is more of a pussy than a chick and guys hate when they are made to feel like that. Seriously. Or wait - if he won't spank you, then I think you should just compromise and say you will spank him instead, and not with some cute fetishy paddle you got at the Hustler store, but with a frying pan or something. FOR REALZ! A man won't spank his girlfriend...what is this world coming to!?!

Hi Joanna's Ass...

At the moment, I'm going through a really bad dry spell. I haven't been laid for about 3 months and I feel like my penis is shrinking due to the problem of having no love apart from my right hand; I probably would've done something drastic if it wasn't for this site. I go out to clubs and bars pretty much every weekend and never have any problems chatting to girls, but that's as far as it seems to go...I never even seem to get a fucking kiss in there or anything! I'm not shy or anything; I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Part of me thought, "Well, maybe it's because I'm too outgoing and I don't really care if other people think I'm a complete ass; I just like to have fun..." I don't know! Just thought you could give me some advice? If you can't, the next option is to have plastic surgery and turn myself into a David Hasselhoff look-a-like!

Sincerely,

Dry Spelled

Well, I am kinda biased. I don't want you to stop looking at BurningAngel. I mean, if you start getting laid again, are you going to stop looking at the site?! I don't like that. I am not giving you advice unless you sign a contract stating that your love for BurningAngel will remain the same regardless of whether or not you get laid.

Ok, I changed my mind. But don't tell Joanna that I let this slide.

Well I don't have great advice for you. If you are going to get surgery to look like anyone though, you should get surgery to look like Travis Barker - not David Hasselhoff. Ummm...yeah...well - here is the thing. When dudes go a long time without getting laid, and they really really want to get laid, they start acting kinda weird. I know you can't help it, but it just happens. What you really need to do is just focus on something else for awhile...and I promise something will come your way. I know it's easier said than done but...maybe you should take an art class somewhere or something. Or like, try to build something...get a hobby! I swear. Once you start doing stuff other than going to bars and trying to get laid, you will meet someone nice...and they won't be drunk. Also, girls get hit on a lot at bars, so you're kinda competing with a bunch of other douchebags when you do that. I think it's a lot better to meet a girl at the supermarket than at a bar. So yeah. I don't know if this was really great advice but all I can say is, try to do something other than get laid and the lay will come - and you will cum too!