This album came out last week, which for hipsters like you, that must means you are totally over it and I missed the boat. I’m sorry. I’m fucking up all over the place. Joanna doesn’t like how I’ve been reviewing things. She says I should talk more about the music. Her exact words were, “It seems like people want you to talk about the music a little bit more in the reviews. Can you do something like where you try to jerk off or have sex or even think about jerking off or have sex to the cd and say if it is appropriate for that or not? I dunno...it was just an idea.” I like how she blames you guys by saying “people” want me to talk about the music. Way to project your inner feelings onto others, porn lady.

But because she pays me hundreds of thousands of blow jobs a year, I will try and do as asked. I have an advanced copy of the disc, so there’s no cover art, so I cannot jerk off to the cover. The back cover is a list of their songs. The last song title is "Run My Mouth", which is sexy sounding, but I do not believe I can get off to 10-point Times New Roman. At the bottom of the track listing is Barsuk records’ logo, a drawing of a dog. I cannot jerk off to a dog, drawing or otherwise. (Although the name Barsuk makes me laugh. I like that. They should make tees that read "THIS BARSUK", in Helvetica. I would buy one.) I slid the disc into my laptop slowly to simulate inserting ones penis into a vagina. It happened far too quickly for me to masturbate to. I hit play on my iTunes but the disc would not do what I told it to do, like most women I’ve bedded down with. Any chance of a hard on has been diminished. Joanna was supposed to call me for awkward, unsexy phone sex. She did not. Perhaps that I could have masturbated to better than this disc. Perhaps not.

It finally played. The music, which you people so desperately want me to talk more about, reminds me of something.

There. Was that what you wanted out of this review?

More? It’s happy and peppy. It belongs on the Lost In Translation soundtrack. Kind of like Lush. But different. They were too happy-sounding to masturbate to. I prefer grudge-fuck music.

But they do have a female violinst named Rebecca Zeller and female violinists are sexy. I masturbated to her. Although I had no idea what she looked like, since I did not get a press release or an 8x10 glossy of their band photo, which I imagined would be very brooding. So I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what she looked like. I imagined she looked exactly like me.