Did I ever tell you I used to be an altar boy? True story. Sadly, I wasn't one of those that was molested; had I been, perhaps I would be wealthy right now from suing the church and not have to slave over a hot keyboard to bring you these insightful record reviews in an attempt to sway you into purchasing some album. All my motives for wanting to be an altar boy were totally fucked up and selfish: - Access to wine. Alcoholism runs deep in my blood; hell, my blood might even be replaced by...

This year, I got the extreme pleasure of being a headline entertainer at TRAUMA a Halloween fetish event in Columbus, OH. While I was in town I found out that legendary death mettalers EXHUMED were playing a show at the legendary Al Rosa Villa (for those that don't know, the venue that DimeBag Darrell got shot at), so me being the curious little metal whore that I am, somehow smooth-talked my way into an interview with lead vocalist Matt Harvery. Matt surprised me by inviting the rest of the...

Here is a short list of things I have not yet forgiven (in no particular order): -My mother throwing away my pillow when I was 12. It had, like, 6 feathers left in it and was super ultra soft. She insists that it was covered in formula from when I was an infant but I don't remember it that way. —The DMV not letting me make a funnier face in my license. My current photo is good but I could have done so much better. —Not allowing myself to buy the 3-foot tall penis statue in Portugal....

Ever have dreams about binge eating? What do those mean? Does that mean I'm secretly bulimic? God, I hope not. I hate throwing up. Especially when puking out of both ends like I was last week. Puking rots your teeth and I think that my teeth are yucky enough from 20 years of chain smoking. I wish binge-eating dreams were actually a sign that I should attend culinary school. I've always wanted to know how to cook, not so much as a profession but just to be able to do it. Is that dream played out...