I can't believe how much has happened in the past few months, and how largely my life seems to shift in periods of months. I've calculated it and in the past two years, I've moved an average of 1 time every two months!
I'm finally at a place where I'm ready to have a home base. I'm planning on staying put for awhile and it doesn't scare me. There comes a point in your life where if you get too low, or things become unbearable, you do something about it. And I guess I'm over my old lifestyle. The past year and a half was the part of my life that I spent in the adult industry. And this was largely due to the fact that for the previous two years I was in relationships with highly abusive men (on every level: sexually, physically, and emotionally abusive). Men that made me feel ashamed to be a woman, made me feel like I was too boyish, too fat, too repressed, etc.
And joining the adult industry was I way for me to say fuck you. It was also a really amazing way for me to learn how to be a woman, how to do my own makeup and hair, how to dress sexy. Things I never really learned from my mom or any female in my life and something I didn't have the self-esteem to do.
It's funny because a person who doesn't wear makeup can be just as shallow as someone who wears a lot of makeup, or just as insecure. It takes self-esteem to feel comfortable showing off, being attractive, getting attention, and it takes just as much self-esteem to still feel beautiful when you are bare.
I'm glad it happened, it needed to happen. I learned so so so much and feel like much more of a whole person. I tend to move on to different things because I learn fast and change fast. I think faster then a lot of people. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, just different. Anyway, I feel like I've learned all I could at least from the porn, dancing, even escorting, and would now like to focus on a more positive path for myself. I'd definitely like to start focusing on the modeling side of things. I'd love to do more creative photography. I've always wanted to make really colorful and odd scenes in the middle of the street and take photos of them. Like me doing laundry with a real washer & dryer in the middle of the fucking road. And nude photography is beautiful to me.
The dancing & escorting especially, really started to damage my spirit and my heart. I've gotten stolen from, ripped off, screwed, etc. so many times because I am so fucking trusting that it really made me start to feel down about the world. The other dancers were practically unbearable to me with their histrionics, emotional drama, and basically dishonest personas.
It used to be interesting and fun because my standards were low. Again not saying that you're standards are low if you find dancing and interesting, everyone is different, and dancing IS fun and interesting. For me, the price was to high to pay for what I was gaining. I was finally getting the sexual validation I never got, and I had basically just been in a prison for two years. Sitting in a cafe by myself ordering what I wanted to order and looking at whoever I wanted to look at filled me with the greatest excitement because for so long I had let someone tell me who I was suppose to be and what I was suppose to think and wear. A lot of times a man out of prison appreciates his freedoms so much more then someone who has always had them and takes them for granted.
I danced for men, most of whom propositioned me for sex at the lowest possible rate. Men who are desperate, needy, grabby, and otherwise disrespectful. Men who were confounded if I didn't let their dirty fingers finger fuck me at $10 a fucking 4 minute song. I know dancers must have good experiences, and there was a time when I did and I met some awesome people that I still know to this day. But towards the end, something was wrong. Something was telling me it was time to move on.
Maybe it was getting pushed into chairs by customers, or being squeezed so you couldn't break free, or have guys try to literally lick your asshole while your bent over.
There were those awesome customers though. I really do have friends that I still talk to even though we live in different countries and I met them a year ago! I've had groups of men write me e-mails telling them how I made their trip (dancing in Montreal), and how it wouldn't have been good without me. And that made me feel good, like I added value to their lives.
But dancing for men who need you to tell them that you want to ravage their cocks when you really don't, it just makes me feel like I'm lying (which I am), and it's ok to create illusions if it's never going to happen and you think the lie is better and worth it and makes you feel better, but I'm not that kind of person. My whole life, no matter how far from the path I've strayed at times, has always just been a desperate search for the truth of things. Maybe not truths, but more of revelations. And I'm bored of trying to be apart of people's disillusions.
As for escorting, well that's not really a hard one to explain. I could never do it again. The difference between porn and escorting is not just the lack of camera (as I had compartmentalized in my head to make it OK), escorting is also incredibly unsafe, worrying about whether you're going to be murdered, arrested, or just plain tortured, as well as worrying about what guy is pulling of the condom while your unaware (I've heard horror stories you wouldn't believe that would make you want to vomit), as well as what other diseases you could be contracting, or the possibilities of getting pregnant. Another large difference is that I want to be classy. I don't want to be a commodity. I'm not worth much if you can just buy me. I want to be with a guy who thinks I'm worth a damn even if I don't fuck him on the first night. A man who also really respects me and my brain.
I want to earn respect by being respectable. By being a good person, an honest person, someone who cares for others and myself even if that means I have to work more for less money, or not be as liked. It's better to be liked by fewer, more quality people, then to be liked by a lot of people who don't know the value of a person with true worth, who like others just because a lot of other people like them, etc.
Since I have come to these realizations, my life has taken an entirely different and magical direction. Many people see this picture taken recently and comment on how happy I look:
I've been dating this man for a number of months, and well after the horrors of my previous relationships and the rapid development of my personality disorder (BPD - Borderline Personality Disorder), the thought of committing to anyone ever was out of the question. I met guys, I told them I had FREE BIRD tattooed on my knuckles for a reason, and I wasn't girlfriend material. Another reason why I liked the porn, escorting, etc. It made it so I had a reason never to get close, or give the guy a reason to never get close.
With Scott things were incredibly different and natural and from the very first time we met, it was magical. It's funny how little I've talked about him even though we've been dating for nearly 8 months, but it's something I felt I needed to keep private. Now, I feel like it's something to celebrate.
It was at the beauty bar, my first time there, because some employees at groundworks invited me and I had just moved to downtown and needed some friends. It was the day before Thanksgiving. The employees told me that you're always suppose to get wasted the day before Thanksgiving, the day of, and the day after. I had to oblige.
At the bar, after getting pretty toasty, I meet Scott, as his friend who we ironically call Captain Cockblock, was hitting on me. Bored by him, Scott was funny and refreshing and after only 30 minutes of talking, he leaned in to say something in my ear, and I mistook it for that he was kissing me, and so I kissed him and we made out right there in front of everybody, something I don't usually do.
I spent the night and it was great. I orgasmed when I rarely cum the first time with a guy. We had the most amazing breakfast and I spent the rest of the day thinking about him. We hung out the day after and were hooked on each other.
And here we are in this dream relationship of sorts. It's everything I've ever hoped it could be. With the communication, respect. We make each other laugh hysterically with inappropriate humor and then have the most fantastic sex that we both enjoy so so much. We have the most incredible conversations and sometimes we just sit and stare at each other and giggle. We have nothing to say, we just literally fucking laugh at each other because we're so in over our heads.
It's nuts. It's lunacy. I'm totally in love, I feel my skin tingle and my eyes water and my heart beat faster and my hands get hot just thinking about it. Here are some pictures to enjoy. He flew to Montreal to see me for my 21st and bought me a plan ticket back at my request. There's much more to write about, but I'm so fucking sleepy. So here's some pictures to enjoy until Part 2:
Fucked up and sweaty ;).
I'm glad I got my sparkle back because it was starting to die out. I thought I had to move around impulsively to be inspired, when finally after all this trouble, after this huge, but necessary detour, I ended up in the one place I didn't want to end up, totally in love, and totally inspired. Life is always so funny and so peculiar, and when I've had enough, and I know a breakthrough is coming, I just sit and wait for the lesson to be learned on a deep and emotional level. And it always does and I always do and no matter what happens, or how much I change, there is nothing to be scared about because I always find a way to improve my life.
I'm ready for a less dualistic life, and one where I find meaning and joy in lots of things accessible to me, instead of trying to chase a dream that is ultimately unreal and unsatisfying and done in the vain of instant gratification.
xo Sparky
P.s. The rest of these pictures are on my facebook and myspace accounts in an album.
Dnothing!
