If there is such a thing as reincarnation, then I must have been a fucking saint in a past life because though I've gone through painful times, and rough patches, and crazy fucking shit, I've had the coolest life ever.
I can't believe all I've been through and I'm only 20. Looking back on all that's happened only in the past two years, I cant believe I still (hopefully) have so much more to experience.
Thoreau says, "Not one of my readers has yet to live a whole human life." Meaning... we don't really know shit... how can we? I really believe it is impossible to know truth, our ego has no way of actually knowing truth.
Even science changes....
Thoreau also said, "There is an incessant influx of novelty in the world, yet we tolerate incredible dullness." and I think that's very true, and even I take for granted my life, and have to remind myself constantly with inspiring words, or music, or movies, that life actually is really special.
I like Thoreau because even though you usually find his works in the poetry section, he is so political and so "fuck you, I'm doing what I want." and beautifully philosophical.
He isn't a pain in the ass like Foucalt or Sartre or Neitzche.... you can actually UNDERSTAND what he's saying.
If anyone has the time or chance, just stop by your local bookstore and read the Conclusion of Walden. It's the best part and just makes me so excited to exist.
I think I'm going back to school. I want to take "Intro to Creative Writing", "Intro to Law", "World Politics", and "Civil Liberties and Procedures". School makes me horny. I love sitting there with my pen and paper and taking notes and being interested and stimulated.
I think I'll also join the debate team.
Anyway, back to my amazing life. i had the most AWESOME day. I slept in, woke up, re-arranged my furniture, had the BEST time with Brian Street Team and his friend. Seriously, he's good peeps. He's the kind of person who can have fun and make you laugh ANYWHERE. That's really rare. His heart is SUPER open.
Then I got coffee and lemon meringue pie.
And then I met my friends at the bar for drinks and fun.
In addition to that, I have THE coolest parents. They have their flaws, sure... my mom doesn't follow her own advice and has chronic depression, and my dad's moods turn on and off like a lightbulb, but they know about everything I do - smoke, porn, everything, and they have always totally loved me without condition.
My mom is definitely my best friend. She's hilarious, open, and the most intelligent woman I know.
I had a rad childhood.
I've made a lot of mistakes and trusted a lot of people and said "yes" to experiences for the sake of living and have done all this in pursuit of truth.
I've never been high maintenence because I know it gets in the way of truly being present and accepting and being in the now.
I like Kerouac because I really relate to him. He wandered all the time in hopes of finding something meaningful. He wrote haikus. He had to be fucked up to write.
An old friend once told me this and it made me feel really good, and I felt really understood in that moment, "friend: i know a lot of people that have moved often, like you. but you move with such awareness and admiration for people and locations, thats what i like about kerouac.
I read that and it totally inspires me to live my dreams. Funny how just one small comment could totally rock someone's reality.
Another beautiful quote by Thoreau:
"Direct your eye right inward and you'll find 1,000 regions in your mind, yet undiscovered. Travel them and be expert in home cosmography."
It's hard for me to have long lasting friends because I change and move around so much. I always have, ever since I was little I was asking to switch schools just for the hell of it. When my mom and dad would separate (which they did often) and they asked us who we wanted to live with, I wasn't sad or mad... I just thought it was fun and something new.
I was always so OK with stuff and so accepting, that I think I always and still do hold people's misery against them... I definitely lack compassion and that kind of sucks.
Something hilarious: I made my mom listen to Human Fly by The Cramps and I have this funny dance to it, and she made me do it in front of my dad.
I'm also kind of a coward and have trouble dealing with situations I'm uncomfortable with like a normal person. I don't think about anything except getting the fuck out. To me it's scarier to be in a restaurant with really EXTREMELY boring company then flying to a different country where I know no one and know nothing about the place.
I hate riding public transportation where I grew up, but prefer it in foreign places.
I enjoy sexual validation because my past two horribly abusive boyfriends always told me I wasn't sexy, and too masculine. I think I proved them wrong and I hope they stumble on a porn that I did that is super crazy like a gang bang with 6 guys that are like throat fucking me and I take it like a champ.
What's my fantasy? I want to fuck one of my teachers.
And my other fantasy? The ability to be totally honest about my life and the crazy shit I've done and my thoughts. It's such a rush to be totally exposed for people to love you, hate you, or not give a shit.
I think that's why I want to write a book Jack Kerouac style. Expose everything and change the names so I can be brutally honest.
I don't know how to start it or what to call it.... I have so many things to write about and so many experiences that I think I just become overwhelmed by it all and then nothing comes out.
I have severe writer's block (tonight is a blessing and feels good).
I would have never expected to enjoy writing so much because I always HATED it. And it's because I can't write linearly. When I enjoy writing, I am typing things out as I think them in a stream of unorganized consciousness.
I like hanging out with couples. It's so comfortable for me. They never get emotionally wrapped up in your shit because they already have their own lives. Friends are hard for me because they expect things and it's hard for me to offer anything other then a random request to hang out and some crazy conversation, and when I have money or anything, I'm always willing to treat and share.
I sometimes wish I could have witnessed the American Revolution. What an amazing part of history. That's an example of taking total responsibilty for your life. By all standards, we should have lost... and the founding fathers totally were put in a Lord of the Rings situation, or to be exact a philosophical question brought up in Plato's Republic and that is, "If a man as the opportunity to grab power unhonestly and unjustly and get away with it, will he?"
This is mainly about George Washington, who I respect the most. He was never amngst the great thinkers, but he was the buddhist of them all, who was a simple man who just wanted things to be fair and right.
Without his participation and presidency, we may have never seen the constitution. He gave validity to it where no other man could. George Washington became known as the man who could have had power, but denied it. A group of men in the army were plannning to overthrow the army and name George Washington king, but when he found out about these plans, he marched over to the tent where they were scheming and said, "I did not come here to fight a tyrant, only to become one." He's the fucking hobbit.
When the constitution was introduced, people saw it as a grab for power and when George Washington backed it, because he truly believed in it, the world trusted him. They knew he wasn't interested in power and so the constitution must have been worth adopting.
Where are the heroes now?
I'm surprised by the amount of people who tell me I should write a book. I'm flattered and at the same time insecure. Why would anyone want the details of my life? I'm just one person. But I guess that's what I like about Kerouac... the particular details he picks up on are so magical to read about.
Living and experiencing have become like second nature, and I wonder if I can take a rest or if I am going to continue to pick out wilder experiences until I just lose it all together.
This is such a serious post and that's kind of interesting because I'm the most non-serious person, I laugh at everything. But then there is also this terribly serious person that I keep in my head and it only really makes itself present when I'm lost in thoughts, or in school.
I love school, but I also don't want to lose my sense of living outside the book. I've learned so much being on my own and having to make ends meet, and it was just as useful as college, but you don't credit for living....
I guess my experiences will make me a better teacher.
I can't wait to teach. I've known I wanted to be a teacher ever since high school at least. Or probably ever since I saw Dead Poet's Society.
I probably shouldn't write blogs when I'm fucked up, but it's fun anyway.
Much love,
Daisy Sparks
Dnothing!
