Sabrina

  I have this bad habit of disappearing. I feel really out of touch, with my friends and family but mostly myself. This year has been really awful for me. Between being sick and being broke... there hasn't been much else. I miss my life,  the way it used to be. I think I must be at a major crossroad or something. People say that things have to get worse before they can get better. In my case, I had to hit rock bottom. I used to think I knew where I was going and what I was doing but at this point I've never felt so lost. I've fucked up too much. I just need to somehow start over. Last year, everything happened so fast. I went from stripper to modeling to movies to modeling and then back to stripper. I loved modeling, especially all the fetish work I did. Movies were exciting for me and I enjoyed making them. I was in and then I was out. Somehow, I managed to ruin that for myself. I don't know why I did but a lot of it was beyond my control. I would be offered a scene but get sick and have to cancel. Maybe it was pyschosymatic...I don't know. In a way, I'm sad. I miss being part of something so exciting and fun. It was hard to accept that maybe it just wasn't meant to be. What's worse is that I don't know what is. I feel trapped. I hate that this sounds so pathetic. I'm really not that depressed. I'm just venting.