Sabrina

   I'm actually really tired but I hurt my back doing some crazy move on the pole at work last night and when I lay down it just hurts even more.
   I've been wanting to write for some time now since I last did because a lot has been changing in my life and so much has been going thru my mind but I haven't because I've just been afraid to. Its silly, I know; but here it goes... It all started when I was in San Francisco. I had a lot of alone time to think about my life and where I'm going and where I wish I was. I called a person I know very well and probably knows me better than I know myself to get some insight and advice. I've been feeling stuck lately, like I'm at a crossroad in my life and I just don't know where to go next. I want to stop dancing. I love it but I hate it. The money isn't the same and it got old fast. I really love doing photoshoots and filming porn but it isn't something I can make into a career. I guess I could but its not the right choice for me. I give Joanna so much credit. She's built this site up and made something of herself.  She's gonna go far. I love her so much and I feel so lucky to know the "real" Joanna. We kinda drifted apart and I've already started to feel left behind. So I made the decision to go back to school and quit dancing at the end of the year when I start my internship. It hurt to make this decision. I'm scared to make this change but I have to. I promised myself that I would get my life in order this year. I stopped doing massive amounts of drugs, I'm back in therapy and on medication. I'm feeling  more stable but it makes me sad when I think of what I may be losing as a result. The world I'm living in now is really shitty and I can't say truthfully that many of these people in my life are my true friends. The ones I do have I know will understand my choice. I just feel like a part of me is slowly dying as I make the transition back into the "real" world. I've been Sabrina for five years now and I'm scared that I've conditioned myself to only knowing how to be her. I guess that's dumb.
   I still plan to do stuff with BA until further notice though...I love being a part of this site and its what I think I'm going to miss the most.
   On a happier note, my dog is doing much better and I actually got another puppy a week ago. I named her Penny. She's so cute.
   My eyes are getting heavy. I'm gonna go to bed.