while i've spent the majority of my time in western massachusetts happy, i find myself in the pitts once more. what i can't figure out is whether this has been brought on by my overwhelming sexual frustration or am i once more disturbed on a deeper level? i'm thinking and hoping that it's the former. the only bad thing in my life right now that is remotely feasible is my sudden confrontation with my debts. money doesn't mean all that much to me, so this isn't the problem. confrontation with strangers that make threats is an entirely different matter. i guess a part of this is due to the fact that i don't really know my rights, which is embarrassing and frustrating on many levels.

apparently, mercury is in retrograde again, which in the past has seemed to affect me like some malicious curse.

i need a regular sex partner; a good one. this is, by no means, an invitation to any of you to make a proposition. there is pretty much only one person that i wish to be sleeping with right now and he just happens to be far from here. i truly believe that this is the source of such muddled and irrational way of thinking. i make the worst decisions when i'm in this state.

i feel so raw.

last night, dreams of betrayal and complete disregard for my feelings. i hate waking up from a dream at the moment when i'm crying. it leaves a residue of sadness for the rest of my waking hours. i wish that sometimes there was a clearer line between my dreams and reality.

lets hope that my loneliness and fear are just a passing thing. i don't like the feeling of slight agoraphobia in such beautiful weather. the self-inflicted isolation has me by the throat.