i really need to move to l.a. with cadence like a.s.a.p I feel that this needs to be done now. I feel like maybe I need to stop thinking too. I think too much. I feel like shit and I wish you would stop being so fucking hot and cold like an asshole. You treat me like such shit sometimes and I never understand what I did to deserve it. I just really hate to blog about this but fuck. I wish you'd wake the fuck up and realize that you wouldnt have to worry about losing me if things were good between us. But, I absolutely cannot take this constant shoving and abusing ( mentally ) I dont think that you are an asshole. I dont want anyone else to think that. But, you have no excuse for the things you do to me. The other day you were drunk you said that its because you are scared and you pull away. But, so am I? I am not shitting on you. I am not being cold. I am not adding the chick that I almost left you for on myspace again after all of our bullshit. I swear to god if you pull this shit again dammit and you even start conversing with her in ways that are more than here and there. If you decide you're going to see her or shes coming to see you. I will not only hate you more than anything I will never ever ever ever speak to you again. I will not even look at you in the eye if I ever see you in public. I can tell you one thing. I am a good god damn person to you. I treat you the best I can in every way I can. I have put up with a TON of fucking shit. I have done my best to try and make up to you the things that upset you in the beginning. But, shit man. I just feel like you are throwing knives at me and I am just sitting there and not moving. I have finally fallen to my knees I am no longer standing. So, tread these waters lightly because the slightest thing will set me off. I am a ticking bomb waiting to explode and you are about to lose the best thing that ever happened to you. Before you know it it will be too little too late. I dont want to give up. I really dont. Because my love for you is so deep that I know not one person will be able to replace it. But, I love myself more. I know that I do love you unconditionaly but I do know that there is a point where I need to just say I can no longer take this shit. I dont deserve it. I really dont. You know it. Either way I love you always. I can tolerate a lot of things and we know this both of us. I can handle you being gone. I can handle everything. I just cannot handle your hot and cold shit. I cannot handle that sometimes and i say sometimes you have no reverence to my concern. why? would it kill you once to make an effort. For you to say I miss you first. For you to say I love you first. For you to call and ask how I am . . . for you to text...?? Or can you only do it when you're drunk?

sorry I had to get this out of me guys in a place where i didnt think hed see it. . . but... I really really need to get out of my house and to l.a. now. xo