have you ever seen porn stars on box covers or like, those posters in the store look all wet- but their makeup is perfect… and their shirt is like, perfectly see through - but not too heavy and drenched… and their nipples poke through just the right way and their hair falls in just the right places and their body glimmers the way it would in an ad for sun tan lotion? do you know what I’m talking about? I’m sure you do. it’s sort of really cheesy 80’s like but it’s still pretty fucking hot. i don’t know why.

when i was in Miami signing for club Jenna at Exxxotica - I remember this one particular box cover- it was staring at me the whole time- it was called " the Jessie factor" (I don’t know if i spelled that right) - and Jesse Capelli and Jenna Jameson were on the box- both looking "wet"- with white tee shirts and barely smudgy but smoky makeup and glistening hair. When I was taking breaks from getting annoyed of people asking me "when does Jenna get here" (I mean- my ego aside- there was a big sign right next to me that said when she would be there. I was more annoyed by the over-all stupidity of the population more so than the fact that everyone was there to see Jenna and not me) but yes, what was I saying… yes- when I was taking breaks from re-iterating what was said next to me… I thought about how much I would not look like that if I doused myself with water.

So having some free time this weekend, I decided to investigate this issue.

My hot friend Melissa is a makeup artist and when I asked her about the mystery behind the wet look, she told me it involved a lot of Vaseline, eye make-up, baby oil and a spray bottle. I asked her if she could make me look like that and she said yes. The other day I was in a friend’s studio and there were several photos on the wall of Jessie Capelli. I knew this because she signed her name on all of them. I asked him if he took the photos and he said yes.. I asked him if he shot the cover to the Jessie Factor and he said he had no idea what I was talking about. He asked why and I told him- and then he said that he has don’t shoots similar to that before and he could shot me like that if I wanted to. He was like "Joanna, that’s not really you… it’s a very classic porno look and I just can’t picture you like that" but you know… I don’t NEED to have all my photos in front of like, graffiti… and in dirty bathrooms… and stuff. I mean come on. But in his studio he did have a dirty bathroom so I said "well instead of taking that picture near like, a water-fall…. maybe we can just take it in your dirty bathroom near the sink." I don’t know why it is so important to be near a source of water for this fake-wet photo but I wanted to keep the fantasy alive and keep the illusion going that I really did pour water on myself and just look like that.

Anyways, my hot friend did the makeup- heavy black eye makeup and Vaseline over it. I drenched a tee-shirt in water (I didn’t have a good white one so I used a yellow one but it worked just as well) and put baby-oil gel AND sprayed water on myself. That way, the water just like, glides down off you. Get it? I put the shirt on and doused some extra water on the nipples so it was more see through there than the rest of the see-through shirt. My hair was wet with a spray bottle, and some of that oil, and some gel, and some other crap Melissa put in it. Whatever kind of refreshing feeling you feel when you’re showering, or like… swimming in a lake… this was the opposite. It felt nothing like what it looks like.

In any case, I did it! Woohoo! The photographer showed me the photos, and I looked perfectly porno-wet. It was awesome. And I guess it made sense because it was by a dirty sink. I don’t know… Whatever. There were also some pipes in back of me. I guess if anyone doubts the legitimacy of the sink making me wet- I can tell them that one of the pipes burst. The photographer is touching up the photos and stuff- I will show them to you as soon as I have them.

So yeah. I did it! Hip Hip Hooray!

Unfortunately, I showered like 3 times and I still feel sticky.

Oh yeah… and as I was writing this blog entry I remembered that I left my wet shirt in the suitcase that I brought to the shoot with me and I just took it out and now the whole thing smells really bad. Grrr.

xoxo

Joanna