I twittered about this on Friday after it happened- so pardon me if this is "old news" to anyone- I just thought it needed its own blog entry. There really are some weird people in the world.
Alright, well there is this guy- no one really knows who the hell he is but he has somehow gotten a hold of lots of porn star's phone numbers- and he will randomly pick days where he attempts to book a handful of these Pornstars for fake orgies by pretending he is someone else- most often times, a European performer. Yes- fake orgies! As in they are orgies that do not exist. He has called James Deen about 50 times at this point- it started happening a few years ago. The first few times he called James, he thought it was a real orgy... because really... who calls and books fake orgies? He recently called Brian Street Team, and Violet Monroe.... FINALLY after all this time he has gotten around to calling me. I was really starting to feel left out!
I usually don't pick up the phone if someone calls from a strange number- but since this number was the most strange phone number I had ever seen.... I felt compelled to pick up. It was like 000-0001-4411-0000 or something like that.
Here is how the conversation went (I called him "FO" which is short for "fake orgy!):
JA: Hello?
FO: Hello Joanna- this is Steve Holmes.
JA: Steve? Oh Hi there! What number are you calling me from?
FO: I got a new phone-
JA: Oh. OK! Cool. Seems like a really interesting new phone. Are you sick?
FO: No- no... not sick
JA: Ah ok. You sound kind of weird. Must be the new phone!
FO: Yes yes. Well I have a question- I what are you doing tonight?
JA: Hmm.. nothing?
FO: Well I would like to book you for a scene.
JA: Hmm well, you don't I don't really work for other people... so I don't know about that.
FO: Well I think you would really like this. I am shooting a big orgy scene, and it will be like a contest!
JA: A contest?
FO: Yes, different pairs of people will be fucking each other and I am going to be the judge- and then the winners will go onto the next round. And then the losers will also fuck eachother- and it will eventually wind up in a big orgy.
JA: That sounds a little complicated. Who else is going to be in it?
(at this point I knew it was complete bullshit since there was no way in hell Steve Holmes has the self restraint to sit around and watch a bunch of people fuck and just sit there and tally up the score- in addition to the voice that sounded nothing like Steve Holmes, and a bunch of other factors. So I figured I would just have some fun with this.)
FO: Well, right now we have Jenna Haze, and Kagney Lynn Karter, Alexis Texas, Phoenix Marie, Lexi Belle, Lexi Love, Amy Reid, Lisa Anne- Mick Blue, James Deen, and many more. We would love to have you there lots of people have requested you. I think you would be great for the scene.
JA: Did you call to book everyone for this scene today?
FO: Um.. yes, I just had some free time and I thought this would be a great scene.
JA: Wow! That's amazing that you were able to book all those people at the last minute and they all came through!
FO: Yes! I was very happy about that. Well it is at 10 o'clock tonight and do you have a pen? I will give you the address.
JA: 10 pm! For that many girls? Wow! We are not even going to be out of the makeup chair until 4am?
(FO was quiet- this fake orgy was scheduled really poorly)
JA: I know, to save you some trouble, how about I do my own makeup?
FO: Oh yes, yes, that would be fine.
JA: OK. Now how do you want me to do it? Do you want me to do it more natural? Or do you want me to put a lot of color in it.
FO: Whatever you want is fine.
JA: OK, i think I will wear my blue eyeshadow. For some reason I think blue is a really good color to wear to a fucking contest.
FO: Yes yes- now the address is-
JA: (interrupted) What clothing would you want me to bring?
(more silence)
FO: Whatever you bring to the rest of your shoots I am sure will be ok.
JA: Ah, ok. Well I just got a whole bunch of new bikins- should I bring a silver one? Or just a plain colored one. I also have another one with skulls on it. Do you know what kind of outfit Lexi Belle will be wearing? I would like to make sure we match. Actually- do you know if we are on the same team? I think you should put is on different teams because I think I could really out-fuck her. She thinks we're friends- but last night I fucked her boyfriend and he told me I was a lot better than her.
(I just thought it was important to indulge him in some completely fabricated porn drama)
FO: Oh well I am sure you are! I don't know who the teams are. We can figure it out when you get there tonight
Joanna: OK- cool cool. Oh- wait well I think you should know- now that I don't work for other companies my rate has really gone up- just want to make sure you are cool with it. I will have to charge you 500 thousand dollars for this scene. Is that cool?
(I figured if he got his rocks off booking fake orgies- then I would like to get my rocks off making a fake 500 thousand dollars)
Joanna: OK- so where is the address?
FO: It's *****
Joanna: Ah! I know that house. I have shot there a bunch of times. I think they just changed the gate code - I had it in my old phone and I just lost it. Do you know what it is?
FO: Um.. well... I think...
Joanna: Actually, I can just call you when I get there and you can open it for me. Should I just call this number? With all the zeros and stuff?
FO: No I can only call out from this phone. I will just wait for you outside.
Joanna: Oh no! That seems silly. I am sure you have a lot of work to do in preparing for the orgy! This is a big task! You shouldn't have to wait outside all night.
FO: Well actually,(pause) I think the gate will be open.
Joanna: Oh! OK. Great. Well I will see you there!
FO: OK! Thank you.
Now I know in the past- a few people had fallen for this.... and they showed up to the designated location.... and no one was there. This whole situation would make a lot more sense if he was maybe there with like, a gun... or some kind of raping equipment. I mean it would be unfortunate, but at least I would understand his motive a little bit better. The guy did not seem like he was jerking off on the phone... and he didn't ask me any dirty questions. What does he get out of booking fake orgies? I can't quite figure it out. I have heard about some strange fetishes in my time but- a fetish for booking fake orgies has to be the weirdest one I have ever heard. I mean, the economy is bad.... is this a fetish I should explore? I could film people booking all sorts of shoots at the last minute- even non porn ones, with like, Bradd Pitt and Sarah Jessica Parker in them. It could really be a whole new market. Right?
well that is all my ramblings. I hope to see you all in Chicago or Indiana this week!
xoxo
Dnothing!
