alright.

when i don’t blog for a long time i get really weird. like i start to put all this pressure on myself- i start to think like- oh no, i haven’t blogged in so long- now i must blog something earth-shattering to make up for my lack of blogging for the past few weeks. Wait. Earth-shattering is bad right? Should I have used to work groundbreaking?

Unfortunately, I have to make this half-assed. I do a lot of that these days and I am sick of hearing myself say that. But I swear, my life really is busy. Maybe 10 years from now I’ll have lots of time to sit and reflect and write about all the things I skipped over in these past few years.

I have a bunch oh photos I will upload over the course of events these past few weeks. For now, you just get these words.

This is the first year I have gone to the AVN awards and lost everything I was nominated for. It was sort of depressing. It kinda made me feel like I was the flavor of the month for a while and my month is over. I don’t blame myself, and I certainly don’t blame you- I blame the stupid word “alt”. If that word never came to be, then my porn would have just been considered porn and I would have never gone in style, and I would have never gone out. I don’t really care THAT much. Of course, I care a little…. but I care a lot less now than I did four days ago, and four days from now…. I am sure it will all go away.

My boyfriend though, won male performer of the year. How strange, that the penis that I suck in the morning is critically acclaimed to be the most certifiably amazing cock in the world. I would act all giddy and excited and surprised, but I knew he would win. I have worked with, and hired all the "best" performers in the industry and he is better than the best. I am not just saying this because I love him.... I swear. He is proficient in banging chicks. This is one of the first times I have seen all the other dudes who did not win this award fess up and say "he totally deserved this."

Anyways- he can fuck on camera with no problem but he has some weird kind of strain of social anxiety disorder - I think…. and this rare form makes him freeze up in front of big crowds. But these big crowds don’t matter when his penis is inside of someone. I have no idea. I am not a doctor. Speaking of doctors, I have started watching the show HOUSE. I am watching it now as I type this. Some little kids eye just rolled into the back of his head and then he puked blood all over the floor. It was pretty cool.

Anyways, so I went on stage and accepted the award for Mr James Deen. I thanked the girls he fucked, the directors who hired him, along with some other people. I gave a special thank you to our friend Chico Wang who passed away- he hired James a lot early on in his career and taught him a lot of things about performing. If I wouldn’t have gone up there- then no one would have gone up there, and male performer of the year is a big award. It would have been lame. People seemed to be entertained by my little speech. Someone told someone who told someone who told me that AVN thought this entire thing was disrespectful. I wanted this line to read “well I think it’s disrespectful that this person won this award” but that’s pretty tacky. It doesn’t bother me that anyone else one- it just makes me a little sad that I lost.

A major problem that I always have in Vegas is that I am always extremely busy- and I never have the time or energy to do what everyone at a porn convention in Vegas should do- and that is- have sex. Or what am I talking about - people should not “have sex” in Vegas…. people should fuck. But my schedule is always like- wake up around 7am, shower, do makeup, go to signing, do interviews for a few hours, go to some “business” dinner, go to some party… then sleep. I am not trying to sound like a rock-star- this is genuinely my schedule. Sometimes I don’t even know why. Ultimately my goal is for more people in the world to know about this website- sometimes I’m not sure which things on my schedule are leading me there and which are just …. you know… stopping me from getting laid. Grr.

I do however, genuinely thank all the fans who came to see me. I know, the economy is tough right now and the AEE expo is completely overpriced. You all make me feel special- no… it’s not even special… you make me feel like whatever the hell it is I have set out to do, I am actually doing. You make it all make sense.

OK ok. I am tired. I should finish my story. I haven’t even gotten to the good part. Well yeah- for the first time I actually got to have sex in Vegas- on Sunday night- the last night of the expo. Me and James and another girl who is really really hot all banged for a long time - I would show off and say her name but I am not sure if she wants me to. I need to ask her. Once she gives me the OK I will brag about it to all of you. But I don’t want to say her name without asking. Now that would be rude. Right?

So then after I don’t know 2 or 3 hours of sex we all sat around and talked and laughed and I pretended to smoke cigarettes and then it was weird. I was so ridiculously horny I thought I was going to break something. This rarely happens to me. I am like a 15 year old boy a lot with sex. Like after 10 minutes I have already orgasmed about 18 times and I am ready for bed. Especially with the AVN approved penis I sleep next to at night. But I don’t know what it was. Maybe it’s that oxygen they pump into the rooms in Vegas or maybe losing AVN awards really makes me randy, but I was just not done, and I was annoyed and frustrated and angry. So my solution to the problem was to go downstairs and get a drink. I figured it would make me more normal. You know- that’s what normal people do? They drink…. at 5am.

So me and hot girl who wont be named and James all went down to the lobby to have a drink, or something and lo and behold the first person we saw down there was STEVE HOLMES. He is a 52 year old German guy who makes me, you, and everyone else you know in the world look like a prude. He is just so dirty- and I like it. I am not sure why, and I am not encouraging any of you to be like him. Most people with his demeanor would be considered downright creepy and inappropriate…. but somehow he pulls it off and it’s sexy. He was in two of the scenes in XOXO JOANNA ANGEL, hes also been in a zillion movies. I think he has won Foreign male performer of the year a bunch of times. I also think that at some point in time in his life he has jerked off a horse.

Blah. So Steve’s presence got everyone who was not me back in the mood to have sex and 10 seconds later we were back in the elevator and went upstairs to my room and then uh- Steve and James DPed me and then they DP’d the other hot girl and it was the first time she ever did that so it was particularly hot. I have done DP’s off camera, but they were on set, where a camera was only like 10 minutes away. I have never done one 100% on me time. I think Steve is one of the only guys I know who really wants to do that on his off time. After like, a half hour or so of that…. well, that weird angsty feeling I felt before went away. I was satisfied and went to sleep.

I am not sure what the moral of this story is. Maybe the moral is that sometimes you have to be immoral- or maybe a DP is not so immoral after all and neither is jerking off a horse once in a blue moon.

My instinct is telling me to delete half this blog entry because I am worried you will all think I am some kind of sick freak- but then I will be back where I was before- blogless. And then- well…. Baby Sinead would have no respect for me. And that would really suck.